Where Did All Mah Peeps Go? Am I Being Abandoned? Did I Leave The Iron On?
I know I’ve done a lot of write-ups that appear to be “about” Facebook but honestly they’re more about behavioral psychology and what Facebook has tapped into when it comes to the human condition. I’ve been noticing a couple other things that have come up with Facebook and all of our behavior with it.
Being the socially whorish and obnoxious guy that I am, I have several friends and acquaintances that run the gamut of ethnicity, lifestyle, religion, sexual preference, socio-political opinions, apathy, workaholic, passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, naivete, over-education to the point of pretentiousness, sensitive, tactless, creative, logical, lawless, and clueless…..the list goes on.
I’ve also noticed over the last few months that certain friends who I had connected with on Facebook from high school, places of employment from the past, etc…have un-friended me even though there was no negative incident or interaction with them that would be grounds for: “well screw you we aren’t friends anymore.”
They just…..simply……quietly……….with ninja stealthiness…….”unfriended” me. Where’s my WAH-mbulance?
Actually it doesn’t bother me at all….I’m about to tell you why….
In The Words Of The Great Philosopher Jackie Chan – “WHO AM I?”
(with hands in the air, insert cheesy echo from top of mountain here)
I realized after taking a look at the people that did “unfriend” me that they were probably offended by certain parts of Rich Harris (or just hated the fact that I filled up their Facebook feed, I’m cool with that). For example, I have some very right-wing fundamentalist Christian friends on here that I know would not be down with certain things I’ve posted, my sarcasm and openness to Buddhism, assessing it as probably borderline blasphemous. I know that I have some hessian metalhead friends that think I’m too emo. I have emo friends that think I’m sometimes too harsh and too much of a metalhead. I have blue collar friends that think I’m too geeky and dorky and geeky friends that think I’m too blue collar, gritty and rough around the edges for their liking.
Then, it dawned on me….I realized that I had established these relationships with these people on their terms, or what was comfortable for them. I had built that bridge from them to a facet of who I am but not who I am as a whole. One of my strengths is diplomacy, and dealing with small talk, total strangers, etc. So when I meet and relate with people it’s on topics that are comfortable or appropriate for that specific person. While I’m not dishonestly interacting with them socially or necessarily “hiding”, I am not revealing all of myself. Is this lying by omission about who I am or is it me being appropriate socially, showing tact, filters and self-control….and who the hell decides that definition?
What it comes down to honestly is at first I had an anxiety attack wondering how many people I offended and should I reach out and contact all those people making sure we were “all good”. But I realized that that is bullshit. The social mechanism, Facebook in this case, forces you to just be one person in front of all your various flavors of friends, family and acquaintances. I can’t be spiritual sometimes, and other times not be. I can’t only be a musician and other times only be sarcastic and other times only like Jameson and other times only be an internet geek and other times only be creative and other times only be white collar and other times only be blue collar……I am all those things at the same time and I shouldn’t have to hide that. Everyone else on Facebook has all their own little simultaneous facets. That’s what makes life and the world interesting. The universe would suck if we were identical robots, created in some factory somewhere.
We all have a choice when it comes to how much of ourselves we want to share with the world and it can be daunting to some people because they know that the internet is forever so they have to decide how far they’ll put themselves out there. Everyone’s comfort level is different. Everyone’s level of desire to share who they really are publicly is different. There’s no right or wrong here. We all have blood-spitting demons and cute white fuzzy bunny rabbits all inhabiting the same closet that is ourselves. Being the socially shape shifting guy that I can be, Facebook has forced me to be comfortable publicly in front of everyone of every ilk, to be ok with that..to be ok with the fact that some people from long ago may not be into who I am now….and to start shedding any insecurities I have about that.
At the end of the day the people that will stick with you are the ones that appreciate all aspects of you, even if it makes them uncomfortable. The rest of the people will ‘go away.’ – not cause they hate you or because you did anything wrong, but just because it’s trying to put a putting a social square peg through a round hole. Sometimes it’s just not a good fit. It’s ok and normal and ethical to be socially incompatible with people without hard feelings. We already know this…but I said it anyway.
Onward….
Facebook is getting tired that’s why so many people are leaving it. I’ve just joined the new social network (www.knoyce.com) and it is actually a lot better than I thought it would be. You can do everything on it. Facebook is dying…go to Knoyce
Rich,
Love this post! Came to it via a link from our shared Social Media Today LinkedIn Group.
Love your statement: “We all have a choice when it comes to how much of ourselves we want to share with the world…”
I believe that each person needs to determine their own strategy for how they will use social media tools like Facebook and how much of their “full” selves they want to reveal. I am a person who is fully authentic and I take the issue of transparency to the level of “what you see, is what you get!” Given that I hold nothing of my true self back, I reserve the use of Facebook for close friends and family only.
In my business dealings, I come across many folks who later send me a friend request for Facebook. Due to my own personal strategy/parameters of “friends and family”, I just look for the person on LinkedIn and ask them to connect with me there instead. If we happen to become closer friends over time, then they end up being connected to me in both places.
As you say, everyone’s comfort level is different. The fact that we are all unique inividuals is truly what makes the world go ’round!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
-Michelle
Great article! Speaking of FB based social dynamics, I was “befriended” and then “unfriended” a short time later (for no apparent reason) by an old school chum of mine. Inquiries as to why the “unfriending” occurred were met with silence. I then figured out that my old chum had also befriended a social grouping of people from our school days that included someone who had married an old girlfriend of mine. I then surmised that there was not enough room on FB for the two of us with this particular social group of people and that my old school chum had decided to buddy up with the particular group that I was not a part of. However, later on my old school chum “befriended” me again as though nothing had ever happened. So I then re-surmised that maybe there was enough social room on FB afterall for me and the guy who married an old girlfriend of mine (at least in my old school chum’s mind). But the continuation and reinforcement of some old (and somewhat juvenile) social dynamics that existed thirty years ago in this social media environment is what I find to be most intriguing.
On a slightly different note, one can always sub-divide his/her FB friends into different groups based on their demographic, economic, socio-political, personality, and/or psychological makeups, thus allowing one to continue to wear the appropriate “mask” based on the particular social group being addressed or interacted with. Barring this, developing a hybrid “mask” for use in addressing all of one’s FB friends as one big group could perhaps be beneficial to one as well (i.e., over the long run).
@Ashley
I have a sneaking suspicion you’ve been hired to tag/category surf for “Facebook” and then comment with some shameless promo for kn*yce…just a hunch.
@Larry Fry
Larry – That is a great story hahaha…I’ve encountered situations like that many times.
I had thought about executing on what your second paragraph said but the the idealist in me was kinda like…well wait…if I do that won’t I be contributing to one of the largest negative social issues/trends/downfalls in our society – lack of transparency with who we all really are…? I don’t know. I wear my corporate hat and then my punk rock anti-establishment hat back and forth all the time.
Thanks again for reading and replying.
-Rich
Another explanation for the 1st paragraph’s subject matter would be that my old school chum unknowingly “unfriended” me (and probably some others as well) while playing around with the Facebook control featues (which can be somewhat non-intuitive to novice users). But my first explanation is more plausible and makes for a more interesting story line! As far as the 2nd paragraph goes, I think that one would be better off learning how to relate to all of the different personality types that make up his/her entire group of FB friends (as a whole) instead of being a “chameleon” who changes based on who he/she is interacting with at the time (based on contrived groupings). But one would also need to be very cognizant of individual members within the overall group so as not to be offensive (or “insensitive”) to certain segments within group’s overall population. One would also have to remain cognizant of any professional collegues and family members who may be part of his/her overall FB community as well. Anyway, it’s a very dynamic social setting out there in the FB world (i.e., a “Groundswell”), so the learing of some social media “etiquette” is definitely in order for everyone.